Shannon: What's It All Mean?

Father's Day -- 16 June 1984

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 12:29:45 -0400

My dad, as I understand it, would fall under the general heading of a “40s Man.” That is, he didn’t kiss or hug kids, never said “I love you” to them and didn’t have a whole lot to say or do with them unless they were in some kind of trouble.

I was an only child, my folks divorced when I was about twelve and I’ve never seen nor heard from my father since.

So when the time came for me to marry and have children, I was going to be different: In the delivery room, change the diapers, help feed ‘em, tickle toes and knees, hug and kiss ‘em constantly, break up fights, and say I love them out loud and often. Which I did.

Then came my divorce. Divorce court leaves you with about eleven cents. And with the geographical distance now between them and me, I’ve essentially become just like my dad.

What’s the point? Enjoy the while you can, dads. One way or another, you’re running out of time.

And all things considered, I think I miss most being touched. I got used to that.

The Perpetual Burglar -- 8 June 1984

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 00:00:00 -0400

As far as I can tell, being a casual observer, your average “Class L” (as in “Low Life”) criminal mind has at least two basic design flaws. One, it thinks it’s intelligent and two, it thinks everybody else is stupid.

Either one of those philosophies would guarantee failure for the vast majority of criminals. Together they have to be the greatest one-two punch since Thelma Ritter and ZaSu Pitts.

So what we have here is a 30-year-old fellow from Chicago busted for burglary and hauled into court. He pleads innocent but the cops know better — so much so that from the day they arrested him and he got out on bail, they’ve had him tailed.

It turns out that after this particular court session, the thief’s lawyer takes him aside and tells him what his fee is going to be, about a grand. The thief says, “No problem,” and promptly goes out, the cops right behind him, and burglarizes a home. When they nab him he has about $15,000 in stolen jewelry.

His excuse? “I had to do it for my lawyer.”

This means, of course, that Isaac Newton was wrong when he said, “Everything that goes up, must come down.”

What he meant to say was, “If enough keeps goin’ down, you’re goin’ up, dummy.”

Star Trek III - 1 June 1984

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 00:00:00 -0400

Star Trek III opened today in the Bay Area. A moment of silence please. Just kidding.

Of course we “Trekkies” don’t really know if (gasp) Mr. Spock will be returning to life, what with his being bumped off and all in the last episode. We are simply to believe that one of Star Trek’s most important serial characters is gone, never to be heard from again.

Surely they jest! It goes without saying that he will come back to life again, as sure as he has pointed ears and green blood and as sure as my Uncle Denzel performed the first Vulcan Mind Link with a quart of T-Bird.

If it happens you are not a Trekkie so have no idea what I’m saying and could care less about Mr. Spock and his body, now lying somewhere locked in a smooth black plastic coffin, which looks like something you’d store your vacuum cleaner in, with no soul since he loaned that to Bones, who doesn’t even know he has it because he’s been taking too many “hits” on that 300-year-old Romulian ale snuck through the neutral zone… then you don’t know what you’re missing!

And that’s sad, because it also means when you hear the phrase, “Beam me up, Scotty.” you’d only think it’s something kinky involving a two-by-four.

Memorial Day -- 28 May 1984

Mon, 28 May 2012 15:18:05 -0400

If it so happens the thing you want to do for a living is to become a writer and one day you acquire that title, you’re faced with a couple of problems. If you write humor, you will fail because humor is a matter of opinion, and when you write about serious matters, you must reach the heart of it all or you’re no writer at all.

And when it comes to a topic like the day we set aside to honor Americans who have died in wars, the writer has an even greater obligation. Not so much to those who died, or even to veterans still alive, but to American children playing and picnicking on this day in parks, playgrounds, and backyards. The ones who, as yet have no idea where they fit in terms of the world’s hopes and dreams, no sense that they are the young and untried “royalty” of freedom.

We can argue whether our war dead fought in the right or in the wrong wars for the right reasons, but that we are here to argue at all we owe to those whom we honor today.

So, if the obligation of the writer on this day is to speak for those who can no longer speak because they gave all there was to give to children they would never see, I would say for them, to those children, “Play.”

Timothy Leary Software -- 27 May 1985

Sun, 27 May 2012 13:00:34 -0400

Does this melt your butter or what? And looking back, we should have seen it coming. I mean, where else did we think righteous indignation of the 1960s was going to end up if not for sale in a shopping mall 20 years later?

What we have seen so far: Huey Newton and his cookbook, Eldridge Cleaver fashions, to be followed now by none other than the one-time advocate of “rolled and pleated” grey matter, Timothy Leary, out to sell a home computer game that can only be purchased by those who didn’t follow his advice to begin with.

“Tune in, drop out.” Remember? Boy, I missed that phrase clean the first time. I thought he was talking about a bottle of Lydia Pinkham. But be that as it isn’t, according to our former fearless leader, this new home computer game will cost about 40 bucks, if we’re so inclined, and is based on his own theory of “psycho-Geometry” which he tells us allows people to measure human behavior just like atomic particles can be measured. Right.

Different programming titles in his upcoming game includes “Social Sophistication,” “Personal Dynamics,” and “Life Adventure.”

And, of course, if anybody’s life has been an adventure, it’s ole Tim Leary’s. There are few among us, I figure, who owes as much to gravity as he does.

Bangkok Vasectomy - 22 May 1985

Mon, 21 May 2012 22:22:19 -0400

I want you to know up front that I thought for a long time before I decided to use the word “vasectomy” in a commentary. Obviously because you never know who’s listening, and if one of the persons listening with you is young enough, you’re going to get stuck with the question, “Gee, Mom or Dad, what’s that word mean?”

And you’re going to have to say something like “Well, it means that idiot up on the screen is going to be out of work in about two minutes!” Though I can’t worry about that, I’ve got lawyers to support.

But whatever the word, that’s what this guy in Bangkok is getting and what makes this story interesting is his seven wives have been trying to get him to agree to this operation for many moons. Word is that he agreed to do it only if it does not adversely affect his sex life.

Even though so-called “minor” wives are allowed in Thailand, this fellow is quite famous there. Now our problem with a story like this is we just can’t imagine anybody being that interested in sex, but it’s out there kids.

I remember once I heard a phrase in Asia that freely translated means, “I want you so much a hand comes out of my throat!”

Old California Laws -- 9 May 1984

Wed, 09 May 2012 19:33:58 -0400

The folks we are talking about here are in the State Assembly’s Criminal Law and Public Safety Committee which has voted five to nothing to send a bill to the floor which, if passed, would eliminate a few laws on the books that are somewhat behind the times.

One to be tossed out is the 1872 law that says you can’t sell alcohol within a mile of a religious revival meeting. Another is the one that carries a $1,000 fine and six months in jail for spitting in public. Another is a 1873 law which bans the exhibiting of a “deformity for hire.” I’m gonna miss that one.

Another law to be axed is one that carries a $1,000 fine for the unsolicited delivery of razor blades. That should make cocaine users snort!

Then there’s the 1913 law making it a misdemeanor crime to hid one’s identity with a mask or false whiskers.

And last but not least, the California law which carries a $5,000 fine for seducing a virgin with a promise of marriage. According to the committee, the last complaint filed under that one was in 1923.

And we thought the California Condor was an endangered species!